My confession: I love sexy things. I like to make others feel sexy. If I have fun in a hot, steamy situation, I feel it might be a good thing to write about. If I can reconstruct my feelings and inspire you to feel the same way, then, that should be good, right? We all benefit. Every now and then, there is a hiccup in my plan. So, this week, my confession is that I might be in a heap of trouble. We’ll just have to see. But, here’s what happened that led me to this point…
After Kevin went down on me and let me watch him jack off, we went to the shower. We were well on our way to our next sexy moment. Time was ticking and pretty soon, my naughty playmate was going to have to transform into the brave Sergeant Carsyn. So, I was attempting to make sure he went with a smile on his face.
As we played with each other in the water stream, he kissed me and asked the question that rerouted where we were headed. He brushed the wet strands of hair over my shoulder. He pressed his lips to mine once again. Then, he tilted his head and narrowed his eyes.
“So, what exactly is it that you write? It’s like love stories, right?”
I smiled and sarcastically, I offered, “Uh, yeah! Sort of.”
“Is it all that sappy stuff? I kind of want to read something you write. But, I don’t want to be a prick if it’s all roses and warm fuzzy, crazy, impossible stuff. Like if there’s some realism to it, I could probably hang. But, that fake – no way in hell – make every real man look like an ass – type stuff, I don’t want to read it.”
I bit my lip as I giggled. “No! Uh… Actually, my stories are inspired by a very real man.”
“Oh yeah? Should I be jealous?”
“Um, no! I think you’d be OK with it.”
“Alright, I’m curious. I want to see what you do. Can I read something?”
“Sure,” I smiled with a nod.
He turned the water off and started bailing out of the tub. He was suddenly in a hurry. I was touched because he had an interest in seeing what I did. That was cute to me. But, right that very second?
“You’re a spaz! You have to see it right now?”
“Unless you don’t want me to. Lynzee tells me you write one hell of a story. I want to see what you write. It’s kind of shitty that you support me in my career. I don’t know enough about what you do to support you. All I know is I don’t want to be on the outside while everyone else is on the inside, where I should be. Ya know? I’m feeling lovey and mushy. Show me.”
“OK, but don’t get a big ego or turn into a jerk.”
A look of confusion crossed his face. “Why would I do that?”
“Did Lynzee tell you about the stories?”
“She just said that they’re really good,” he shrugged. “I didn’t push her for any details. I decided I could show an interest and be supportive by asking you directly,” he smiled.
“Well, you’re kind of the inspiration for one of my characters.”
“Really? Let me read it,” he smiled. “That’s kind of cool. I’ve never inspired art before.”
“Do you know what ‘erotica’ is?”
“It sounds dirty. Sounds like fun,” he smiled. “Or am I just being a pervert?”
“No. Actually, you’re pretty close.”
“You write dirty stories?” he chuckled. “You’re bad!”
“So are you. These stories wouldn’t be as hot without you.”
He nervously laughed. “I hope you’re kidding…I think.”
“I changed the character’s name, but you’ll recognize him,” I offered as I woke my computer so I could show him the “Kevin” stories.
“Oh great! And, Lynzee has read these stories?”
“She finds them entertaining.”
I opened the first story and offered him a seat in my writing chair. He turned my computer on the ottoman so he could see it and he hugged my waist, dragging me from the arm of the chair to his leg. He smiled at me, winking as he shifted his attention to the computer screen.
I watched his eyes move from side to side as he absorbed the words on the page. A smile turned up the edges of his mouth from time to time as he read certain things. He glanced at my face.
“I didn’t inspire this character. I am this character,” he proudly said. “But, I thought I you said ‘Dave.’ How did ‘Kevin’ happen? Why not a cool name, like Balthazar or something?”
“Don’t be critical or you can’t read it.”
He commented about various things in the description. He laughed at the “sexy job” part of the story and rolled his eyes. With a scoff, he shook his head.
“Yeah! It’s sexy when drunk people want to fight, or someone thinks they can fly… You’re crazy, girl!”
He returned to reading. Again, he commented about various things as he read the story. He was happy. It was like a documentary of our relationship. He was impressed. He was proud of me and assured me it was a compelling story. He continued to read.
“You kiss and tell? Lynzee read that? Or did you hide that part?”
“Are you embarrassed?”
“No. Just…you kiss and tell. You’re lucky I didn’t know that then. You’d still be waiting for a kiss,” he teased.
I suddenly felt like I was overheating. If he was worried about a kiss, he was about to flip out. I felt nervous. He joked about the kissing part, but in a serious sort of way. He was forgiving, but it was almost like a “don’t do it again,” kind of thing.
Don’t ask me why, but it never occurred to me that I should ask him about writing our story. I was just telling a story. I changed his name. So, I didn’t think anything of it. But, now, he was starting to squirm as he sat in my chair. His smile and happiness were becoming more of a nervous, anxious energy.
“OK, now you know what I do,” I said as I attempted to close the monitor.
He quickly put his hand in the way, keeping me from closing the computer. “No, no, no!” he said with a chuckle. “I want to read this. You didn’t go that far, did you?”
“Its for us girls. Guys don’t want to read this. You don’t want to read this.”
“Oh, I think maybe I do.”
“Kevin, maybe not. I didn’t think…”
“Mmhmm…” he hummed absently as his eyes continued to move back and forth, studying the words sprawled across the screen.
He pursed his lips as he stared at the monitor with a look of horror on his face. His eyes shifted from the monitor to me. There was an incredulous look in his eyes and he drew a deep breath. His eyes returned to the computer screen. He scrolled down to keep reading the story. He lifted his hand and covered his mouth as he read.
“Oh…no!” he sighed.
He closed his eyes and turned his head away from me. He leaned back against the back of the chair. His finger pointed to the computer.
“Is this it? Is this all there is?”
“What else is there?”
“You get the idea, right?”
“Oh no you don’t. Show me the rest of it.”
“Are you mad?”
“I don’t know. I feel like I’m burning from the inside. Where’s the rest of it?” he asked impatiently.
As I brought up the other segments, he scrolled through them. Some parts he read more closely than others. He swallowed hard as he studied the computer screen. He pointed to one section.
“I don’t recall saying that. I don’t remember what I said. But, then, I wasn’t recording everything so I could go tell everyone about it, either. So, you might be right. I might’ve said that.”
“I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. I changed your name. No one knows it’s you.”
“You don’t think so?” he blasted. “I don’t think the people out in the way beyond lands know. But, I think the people we have in common that read this know exactly who ‘Kevin’ is. Lynzee knows. Lynzee has to know. Kim. Kim reads this, too. She surely knows.”
“They don’t know which parts are made up. It’s not like I remembered every detail or every single word. I had to fill in some parts. It’s a story. They don’t have to know it’s about you.”
“Really now? Do you often meet guys at Lynzee’s barbecues? Maybe I’m a bigger jackass than I thought. You’ve been telling people this – all of this? Why would you do that? You want people to know what you do in the bedroom? Erotica? Yeah! It all makes sense, now. What a dummy I am. I wanted to support you. I had no idea. I wish I still had no idea. I was so much happier a few minutes ago.”
“Kevin, it’s fiction. It’s fun. You can own as much as you want. You can deny as much as you want, too.”
He pursed his lips. “I want to deny that I ever went to that barbecue. I want to deny that I ever met you. I want to deny all of this,” he said as he flipped his finger toward the computer screen. “I thought we were working on something for real. I didn’t realize you just needed someone to use for a story. I wouldn’t have played along with that, had I known. Can you excuse me? I need to get up.”
“Hold on. I didn’t use you for a story. Wait a minute. Do you mean that? You regret meeting me?”
“Yes. I have to deal with journalists writing stories every day. I can’t do anything about those stories. But, this? I can put a screeching halt to this bullshit. I never wanted to be a character in your story. Can you get off of me, please.”
“Kevin, what are you doing?”
“I don’t know. I’m a little embarrassed right now. I need to go home and get ready for work. Do you have any idea how many local people follow this story? Are they all looking at me, knowing what I do behind closed doors? Do these people know?”
“It’s not like that. They don’t know.”
He sighed and bobbed his head. “OK. Well, I’m going to head out. Jump up. Let me up.”
I slid off his leg, watching the bumbling ball of nerves my cocky, confident “Kevin” had suddenly become. My stomach sank and I felt like the world’s worst girlfriend. I watched him as he quickly threw his clothes on. When he started for my front door, I reached for his arm.
“Are you not speaking to me anymore?”
“What? Yeah. No. I mean, I’m just kind of freaking out a little bit right now. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.” he said as he raised his arm, pointing toward my bedroom. “I don’t know what you’re doing or what I am to you. I feel like I just got played in the worst way. Were you playing? You asked me if we were friends with benefits. I told you I was trying to be more than that. But, now I feel like I was the only one with that thought. I feel a little silly.”
“I’m not playing you. No one knows how much of that is true and how much of it is made up. You don’t have to own any of that.”
“Yeah, but I know the truth. See? Lynzee has seen your story. I don’t want to go around her, now. Kim reads that. Kim’s fucking horny all the time as it is. I don’t need her thinking… All of that sex stuff was just for you. I didn’t know it was being piped to the whole world. If I had known that, I could’ve given you a real story to tell. I would’ve brought these fucking walls down. I could’ve given you a really good story.” He laughed sarcastically. “What an idiot! I should’ve known better. Oh, but I thought it was real. I’m a dumb ass.”
“It was real, Kevin. It is real. I don’t want you to go away.”
“I know. I read that I’m the best oral sex you’ve ever had. Who wants to lose that? Especially when you’re a dirty story teller. Fuck!”
“I love you. It doesn’t matter what you read, my feelings haven’t changed.”
“I’m not sure I ever understood what your feelings were. But, good…I guess. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I don’t want things to change. I don’t want you to be different.”
He laughed another sarcastic laugh. “Oh! But, I am different, baby. I’m a fucking porn star, now. That goes good with a badge, huh? Fuck! They’re going to fire my ass. Shit! I hope it’s worth it. I hope that story is selling a shit load of copies. You’re going to make my house payment and my truck payment when your little story costs me my job.”
“It’s just a blog story.”
“Hoh-K! Whatever that means,” he laughed condescendingly. “All I know is you better have bank roll, sister. I might just quit my job before they have a chance to fire me. I’ll come rock your world, you can tell everyone all about it. I want a charmed life so you better make damn sure you tell the rest of the story as good as you’ve told that first part.”
I felt horrible, but watching him was comical. He had become so animated. He was freaking out and voicing his thoughts as they were happening. His mouth was running a million miles a minute. He was a lot to keep up with, all of a sudden.
“It keeps hitting in waves and I’m mad…I’m embarrassed…I’m ashamed…I’m fucking flattered that I was good enough for you to write about…I’m pissed off. I’m mad at you, I think. I don’t think I’m in the mood to laugh about this right now. But, one day, this has potential to be funny. It’s a great story, when I forget that I know that guy…that I am that guy.” He sighed a heavy sigh as he stared at me. He shook his head with a smirk. “Why in the hell would you do this?”
“No one knows it’s you, Kevin. You’re only bothered because you know.”
“I want to do very bad things to you for reasons I can’t explain. You want to tell dirty stories? Right now, I could give you some pretty good ones to tell. You got me good with this one. Since I’m a sexual spectacle, now, anyway, maybe I should just do it up right.”
“So…am I in trouble? Or are we OK here?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? No, I’m not OK. Yes! Yes, you’re in trouble.”
“You should calm down a little…bit…maybe.”
He gave me a smug, “go to hell” look. Then, he turned toward the door. He stopped in his tracks and spun around, facing me again, pointing his finger.
“Oh, and, another thing; are there stories all over the world about you and other men, too?”
“No,” I snapped.
“I’m going look these stories up on the internet. I want to know how easy it is for other people to ‘stumble’ across these. If there are going to be other stories popping up when I search this stuff, I’d rather know now.”
“No. There are no others.”
“Then, why now?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I like the way you make me feel. I wanted to make other people feel the same things.”
He stared at me, biting at the inside of his lip. I could see his mind racing. He shook his head in disgust as he slowly blinked and heaved a sigh.
“Alright. I have to go get ready for work. Have a good night.”
“Will I get to see you when you take a dinner break? I can feed you something yummy.”
“Uh, I don’t know. The last time I ate something at your place, it ended up in a story. Maybe I’ll pass for tonight. I just need to clear my head a little, I think.”
“That was a good one. Do you feel better, now?”
“A little,” he grinned, though he tried to fight it. “You…ugh! I’m serious. I have to go to work.”
“If your head gets cleared and you want to come by, I would love to see you. If you’re bored and you want to call, I would gladly talk to you,” I shyly offered as I cautiously moved toward him, tucking myself under his arm.
“If I can find a way to make peace with this, you may be in a world of hurt. If I can work this in my mind so that what you’re doing is alright, you better get ready. If you get to tell the tales, I get to decide what the tales are.”
“You want to set up dirty stories?”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m leaving. I have to go to work so I can hurry up and get fired. Thanks!”
“Will you call me, later?”
He narrowed his eyes. “I’ll do something, I’m sure.”
“Ok, don’t work too hard. I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m still mad. So mad.”
“I know! I’m really sorry.”
To Be Continued….